wake up. it's not a nightmare this is true.
I've been having recurring dreams intertwined with pictures of losing you.
wake me up so I can do something about it.
the world won't be the same without the craters we dent into it when we love.
open your eyes. this darkness is not tatooed into your lids, it's all around.
wakeup you can't evade lightning if you're still.
the bolts they swing, they look for you and reach out.
they wander around, searching under rocks, behind closed doors,
it's a war out there!

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the battle waged inside of me
between my guts and heart between my mind and soul
slowly but surely avoiding the organs
sweeping beneath my ribs nestling around my lungs
spinning between my veins
are the dreams i never let out.
the thoughts i refrained like wild horses
slowly but surely the remains of these dreams
the spoils of this war
they root into my skull.

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baby clear the air!
daggers shooting out your eyes
big malice dripping off your mouth
you know you're never better
than when you're at your worst.

darling drop the guns!
you're just no good at waging wars
small town battles aren't the same
give in you're not cut out to fight
when all your small sins I forgive.

stop trying to be so bad
stop aiming to hate me just because
I gave you something to repent.

Dear:

I know this won't matter as much in the morning, some things are just meant for thought in the night. But let me relish for the moment that I do care. I pride myself in repetition, in the fact that you will always come back to me, but the thing is, I am tired. I am so damn tired. We love each other in a way, wait..maybe I only love you and you just want me in a way that is so..incredibly cliche. I refuse to be a cliche in your story, I refuse to be a girl that only appeared when you were so alone and needy. I refuse to be your savior.

I love you in a way so deafening. I love you in a way that silences the music in the bar, in a way that lets me travel all over the world and back in a second. I love you in that old-fashioned way where I would break the boundaries and lets me break the break up rules.

But I've become confused about the limits in our story..where is the line that defines our end and our beginning? Not even so much as our beginning, but our first..rights or wrongs? I am not a delicate damsel in distress, as much as I might disguise myself in a way so convincing that you would never know it if I didn't tell you. I have so much power in my insides, so much lighting I could unleash. I am just waiting for the right person to come along, the right soul to unlock every eager cell in my body into a fearless dance, to blow him away with my prowess. I am not a girl you can break, or put down. Granted, I have my own coping methods, which may include draining though the eyes, heavy breathing and no talking, but believe me when I say, I am a storm. Have the insight to see beyond our typical facade.

I am not something you see everyday.

I am messed up, and as much as you want to think that that is a bad thing, it is the best thing I could be. Because me, being easy for you, being an easy task, being an easy mark, an easy goal, an easy target, is so diminishing. Don't make me think lower of you.

Make me think epic, and forgive me for repeating myself but make me think transcendental. Make me think of a heroic love, a love that jumped into volcanoes and defied every logic, make me think of a love that skipped every era, tore any other "epic" love out of storybooks, make me think of undying, one of a kind love. I will never make it easy for you, as I am sure, you will never make it easy for me. If you think that getting to this kind of love is tiring, or not worth it, then you are certainly not man enough for it. It is not so much the difficulties, but always the rewards. Make me think of a love that exploded the earth, that created humankind, the kind of love that coined the term "love", a defining love that makes breathing worthwhile, that embodies life. Have the balls to acknowledge that the weak are always the ones to make big cities crumble down, and that I am a huge city. Have the balls to acknowledge that the weak are those who don't give their all, and that actually can't give their best because they have none. Keep me believing you are not in that sorry breed.

I may not care about this in the morning, this may not even deserve the guts it takes to get you, the momentum or the gust that blows it your way, but let me relish the fact, please, that right now this is the only thing that even matters.

The song is playing. It is not paused, and if you pause it, it really is still there, waiting to be heard. Life. Life doesn't stop even if I want it to, to just take a break and feel it all. I want to be able to stop the really beautiful moments and breathe, stop the really sad ones and also breathe. It's so hard to keep on believing the intensity of it all, that everything matters, that every touch and breath and kiss and drink I take are really leading me into a path that was supposed to be mine from the very beginning. It's so hard when nobody else keeps that in mind, and it makes me doubt, really. I feel so utterly, unabashedly spun off my center. I was so sure, so damn sure that life should REALLY be in every word, beauty in every word, this life is really a work of art. You really do have moments when you don't know what to say, those dramatic moments when you can't spit out a single word, those relationships that you can't define, the meeting of eyes that nobody else notices but burns you nonetheless and just as deeply. And I can't understand why so many people would choose the life of toning everything down, living in black & white when everything is so much more beautiful in color. I can't understand why people would be so afraid to embrace the emotions, embrace their actions, would want to have it all so easy (and ultimately make their lives so damn meaningless), so afraid of losing themselves in the only thing that matters and that would make their lives worthwhile. I want to be able to stop those moments because those are the only moments when I am truly sure that this is not all an anatomical miracle, that I am not a freak accident of the universe, that we are not little big bang theories, those are the only moments when everything vibrates and I can feel history being made, and I can feel butterflies and a hurricane all the other way around the world, those small fractions of a second when I see everything clearly and I know I'm not wrong and I shouldn't be ashamed of wanting to feel it all in its pure form, in the raw and that I am insane for a reason, as contradictory as it may seem. And in the remainder of my days I just feel like something's missing.

it's not about making money..or reproducing..being a wife or husband..its about always pursuing the truth.
to never conform.